Some great change is upon me. Some tide has turned within. This has not been my best year and I will be grateful to bid adeui to 2010. And yet . . . . and yet . . .
The challenges I've faced and continue to overcome have wrought in me something stronger, softer, more abiding and true. I spent many months this year confronting demons--my own and other's and those reflected in Mirrors held for me by others. The Guardian at the Gate wore elaborate new masks this time, causing me some confusion. Now, unmasked, I see s/he is the same old boogaboo in a bigger, badder costume.
Ah. "Hello, Old Friend. Won't you come sit down for some tea? Would you like a slice of pumkin bread with that?"
S/he sits at the table with a wry grin. "You found me out. Again."
"Yes. It was the Fear that tipped me off. It got pretty intense this time. I didn't see the part about forgiveness though. That's a new twist on our old story."
"So, you know I'm not giving up, right? You've lost another battle."
S/he laughs. A deep, rich laugh with only a hint of sarcasm in it. "Is that what you think?"
"Well . . . ."
"It's incredibly ironic that you still persist in perceiving me as trying to keep you from carrying forth your gifts! That's not my intention at all."
Confused, I stare into my tea cup, hoping to sort this new information. I had always understood this Being as an adversary--one working against my spiritual development and my commitment to mid-wife the process in others. If not an adversary, then . . . ?
"I challenge you to move through your limitations. I know it's uncomfortable when they arise. But, you must be prepared. You would not be able to take the next steps without faltering had these challenges not been presented."
Suddenly, my defensive posture relaxes. The last remnants of resistance fall away like a silken robe slipping from the shoulders. I am exposed, vulnerable, open.
"Ah. I see." I pause to breathe fully, willing this information to move deep into sinew and synapse.
"Couldn't it have been easier? I mean, did everything really need to be leveled?"
"Could you have received it any other way?"
I think about this as I walk to the sink to pour a small glass of water. I lean against the counter. Guardian turns hir gaze toward the window to afford me a measure of privacy while I let my thoughts race and my emotions rise. I think/feel my resistance, my ego, self-punishment, resentment and righteousness bubble up. I whisk these to a froth and pour them into the cup. I perform the Rite then stand in the gorgeous swirl of Life Force washing over and through me.
I rinse the glass and put it in the sink.
"Do you want more tea?"
"Pour it in the white and blue cup for your Beloved Victor. Don't forget the butter."
"I never do!"
S/he admonishes, "And that, right there is why you needed such strong challenge! There is no need to defend Who You Are. If you feel you need to defend and prove, you will waste your life defending and proving. You have more important things to do!"
I stop pouring the tea and meet hir gaze, questioning.
I put the kettle down, feeling the weight of this Charge wrap around me -- a mantle of stars and seas, dark space and burning suns. I am rooted deep to Earth's core. Stars are caught in the loose tendrils of my hair. The Song of Songs fills my ears, my head, the spaces between the atoms which comprise my material body. I am held, for these long moments at the kitchen stove, in rapture. Someone watching might perceive me as undergoing a petit mal seizure.
When I return to the room, I am alone. The tea is gone but the bread untouched. I sigh at my lack of hospitality and say only, "Thank you, my Ally. Thank you, my Friend."
And now, there is much work to be done.