April 24th, 2011

blackheart in hand

Grace Delivers

Life is full and sweet and deep and challenging.  I'm on a steep learning curve right about now.  My children grow by leaps and bounds.  I find my authority in their lives rightfully challenged as they come into new levels of maturity.  This is a theme--this releasing of authority and control--not limited to my relationship with my children.  I am mid-leap between old things and new.  I am fully landed in some old things which are fresh and new each day. 

I am deepening into Self.  Seeing parts of me mirrored through the eyes of a lover--parts I could never see whilst gazing at my own reflection.  I am being prodded to open and relax, breathe and trust, let go and surrender while learning just how to do that--me, who has honed and sharpened Will with such persistent desire for precision that I find I have come close to ruining the blade.

These last weeks, with Mercury Retrograde and crowds of angry, opposing planets alongside Aries' forceful energy have certainly been a time to re-view, re-turn, re-iterate, re-convene, re-voke, re-establish, re-negotiate.  Not once or twice.  Many times.  Challenging indeed.  I've filled two spiral bound notebooks with barely legible notes taken during conversations with friends, peers, coaches, mentors, lovers, readers, lawyers, students, siblings, bankers, mortgage brokers, real estate agents.   Lots of talking followed by lots of altar work, followed by lots of integration--or attempts at integration while the next Big Thing hit the fan.  The Secrets of the Universe--or at least living in it as a Human Being--are contained within those notebooks!  It feels like 7 years of training packed into some kind of accelerated course lasting a mere three weeks.

It's Easter Sunday.  This is the first in fourteen years the Easter Bunny didn't come.  Instead of waking at dawn to hunt eggs and candy, we arose to drive my daughter to the airport.   There she boarded a plane--alone--to meet close family/friends who generously invited her on an unexpected and totally all expenses-paid Caribbean Cruise.  I marvel at how grown she is as she steps away from me, hands the attendant her boarding pass and disappears confidently down the corridor to the plane.  My son, whose Sun rises and sets in my daughter staggers to the car with tears streaming down his face.  I am proud.  He did not howl or moan.  He did not fall down, overstimulated by his own emotional state.  This is not a scene he could have tolerated even a year ago.  He was silent on the ride home.  My mind and heart filled with thoughts and feelings of deep gratitude for such generous friends, the blessings in my life, the surprises I couldn't possibly plan for.

On our way home we stopped to buy pansies and tulips--an extravagance we can ill afford right now.  I could not and would not deny myself this color, this life, this sweetness.  These we plant in wicker baskets along with clover, grass and mosses culled from the front yard.  My son lovingly places found stones and crystals from inside the house upon the moss.  We tie bright ribbons to the handles and weave them through the wicker.  He says, "These are better than baskets filled with candy.  Look how beautiful they are!"  Indeed, they radiate!

Still, after all this time, I am stunned by the beauty of my family, the depth of our love for one another and the simple wonders we engage in daily.  We are gearing up to move again.  It's not certain where we'll go, or when.  Anything might happen.  The settlement might come in and be enough for a downpayment.  We might rent again--this time, I pray, long term.  We might join households with my lover and her son--or not.  Anything might happen.  This makes my heart catch and my chest tighten.  I'm a Capricorn for heaven's sake!  I need a PLAN!

Then, I breathe, open, soften, relax.  I remember not to attempt wielding the over-sharpened blade.  This time, for now anyway,  I'll wait with open arms to see what Grace delivers.  This time, rather than diverting the mighty river through a tiny space I've carefully prepared, I Will to allow myself to be inundated--by surprise, abundance and love.

Take me to the River.  Wash me down.